S.E. Rittel
I will keep shaving my legs,
Wishing I was shaving my head,
But not yet brave enough to cross that line,
Baring what little I still keep hidden.
I will apply mascara to tired eyes,
And stare myself down in the mirror.
I always lose, and look away.
I will run my hands over an aging body,
Never thinking of what might have been
Of secrets left unshared.
So what ifs are for the old,
And what might be for the young,
And all between lock themselves away
From thoughts outside the grind.
Until that day the razor slips
And reveals every secret of my heart
Free flowing to the world
That never cared to see.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Divorcee Seeks Peace
S.E. Rittel
We met on a warm May day, the 26th to be exact, at a barbeque. Our meeting and courtship was all of the ordinary, our friends introduced us, we moved in together, and were engaged within a year. We married in the summer of 2000 and everything was beautiful, for a time. Things were difficult financially, but as cliché as it sounds, we were happiest then. A short time after we wed, my husband left to become a flight attendant, and I was pregnant and alone. Still, I was happiest when he would fly home to visit each week, and loved my new life as a wife and mommy. As time passed, I found it easier and easier to deal with the time he spent away from me, but never really came to terms with living two sets of rules, as often happens when Dad is gone a good portion of the time.
Our communication started to break down as we acquired more things, had another baby, and bought our first home. I was lonely and having a difficult time being a single mother of two, then three. All the while my husband was resentful of having to come home and live our boring life three days a week when his friends and their money and prestige were out in the world. He grew less and less patient with the children. I grew less and less patient with him. His anger was more noticeable, and his charity less apparent with each passing week, until I began to hate him.
By the time I filed for divorce I had utilized every resource I could think of to save my marriage. I had gone to therapy and clergy, tried to just take his anger and let things be, and finally, become angry and prone to retaliation. I did not like the woman I had become. I asked him to leave in March and the children saw less and less of him after that. I cannot say 2008 will ever be replaced as my worst year ever. I certainly hope not.
Accusations, insinuations and shunning were the mainstays of this process, from neighbors and “friends”. Those who do not judge, give you a wealth of advice on how to cope. None of the advice from those who have been through it really prepares you for the heartache, depression, anxiety, and all around rough time you go through. At least it didn’t for me. I was told, many times over, “This will be the hardest thing you will ever do.” They were right. No matter how sure I was when my mother, my divorced friends, my religious leaders made that statement to me, it was worse than I expected.
I do not lament the life I lost, or the time that could be considered wasted. I do not regret taking care of a husband. My single greatest regret is that we are so easily able to cut one another. Verbal assaults stinging and pricking almost to the point of physical pain. Heavy artillery that pierces through most carefully assembled armor. He hurt me; a lot. Now, I hurt him, all the time. We both hurt our children, and our families, and our friends, who feel obligated to take a side and stand behind one of us. To them I feel the most sorry. I hurt for my babies and the people I love that became collateral damage in our stupid little war.
Civility is overrated. Sometimes I cannot even believe I knew the man I have divorced let alone slept with him, cooked his meals, cleaned his toilet. I hardly even recognize myself, though I know I am still in there when I look hard enough. The things that he says to me, emboldened by, even justified to it by the fact that I am the “bad guy” are astonishing, even after eight and a little years of marriage. He still knows all the buttons to push to optimize my guilt. Sometimes I hate him.
My ex-husband was deeply hurt. Hurt by my lack of desire, by my complete lack of interest in him or his life. I had been through neglect, disdain, and bitterly cruel, nonsensical rampages for years and yet, after all I could claim he had put me through I was honor-bound by the rules of engagement to be gentle with him. He was in pain. His life had been ruined. I was the perpetrator. Just as our marriage had been my responsibility, the collapse was my fault.
I am on the verge of losing my home. I lost my job, my family is too far away to help with anything more than love and encouragement, and I cannot remember the last time I had a good night’s sleep. My fear is still not as great as my loneliness, my sensation of dissonance to the real world, and feelings of worthlessness were. As terrible as the outcome looks in the face of economic crisis and personal crisis combined, life is still better now. Peace has been worth the cost.
This failure is simply another part of life I am coming to accept. I finally am beginning to understand my part in the travesty that was my marriage, the cruel joke that has been my life while I divorced and learned how to be a single mother, how to be truly alone again. Even though I loved you, and only wanted to be loved by you, I failed you. Miserably. I am sorry. Sorry that I decided my only way out was to destroy everything you insisted was fine. So very, very sorry that I did not know how to get through to you any other way. Sorry that I did not love you enough to be stronger, to take it until you decided I was worth kindness and love. I am sorry for causing three of the most perfect little humans I know an unspeakable amount of pain, and for doing so purposefully, even though I truly did not understand the scope of what was to come.
To any who have seen the world through the grey tint of the perpetrator, I see what you see in the eyes of your friends, family, and neighbors. I know the pity and sometimes contempt you are met with. I hope you have forgiven yourselves, whatever the reasons, and learned how to give of yourself after closing off from one who was your closest confident.
The truth of divorce is so personal that no one can truly prepare another for the distress they will feel. You cannot tell another exactly how to cope with the difficulty of such a complete upheaval of their life. I won’t lie and say I have come through the other side a better woman. All I can hope for is that someday I can say it and say it truthfully, earn my children's forgiveness, my own, and most of all, my husband’s. After all is said and done, I desire the forgiveness of the only man I ever loved enough to say, “I do”. Because for what it is worth. I really, really did.
We met on a warm May day, the 26th to be exact, at a barbeque. Our meeting and courtship was all of the ordinary, our friends introduced us, we moved in together, and were engaged within a year. We married in the summer of 2000 and everything was beautiful, for a time. Things were difficult financially, but as cliché as it sounds, we were happiest then. A short time after we wed, my husband left to become a flight attendant, and I was pregnant and alone. Still, I was happiest when he would fly home to visit each week, and loved my new life as a wife and mommy. As time passed, I found it easier and easier to deal with the time he spent away from me, but never really came to terms with living two sets of rules, as often happens when Dad is gone a good portion of the time.
Our communication started to break down as we acquired more things, had another baby, and bought our first home. I was lonely and having a difficult time being a single mother of two, then three. All the while my husband was resentful of having to come home and live our boring life three days a week when his friends and their money and prestige were out in the world. He grew less and less patient with the children. I grew less and less patient with him. His anger was more noticeable, and his charity less apparent with each passing week, until I began to hate him.
By the time I filed for divorce I had utilized every resource I could think of to save my marriage. I had gone to therapy and clergy, tried to just take his anger and let things be, and finally, become angry and prone to retaliation. I did not like the woman I had become. I asked him to leave in March and the children saw less and less of him after that. I cannot say 2008 will ever be replaced as my worst year ever. I certainly hope not.
Accusations, insinuations and shunning were the mainstays of this process, from neighbors and “friends”. Those who do not judge, give you a wealth of advice on how to cope. None of the advice from those who have been through it really prepares you for the heartache, depression, anxiety, and all around rough time you go through. At least it didn’t for me. I was told, many times over, “This will be the hardest thing you will ever do.” They were right. No matter how sure I was when my mother, my divorced friends, my religious leaders made that statement to me, it was worse than I expected.
I do not lament the life I lost, or the time that could be considered wasted. I do not regret taking care of a husband. My single greatest regret is that we are so easily able to cut one another. Verbal assaults stinging and pricking almost to the point of physical pain. Heavy artillery that pierces through most carefully assembled armor. He hurt me; a lot. Now, I hurt him, all the time. We both hurt our children, and our families, and our friends, who feel obligated to take a side and stand behind one of us. To them I feel the most sorry. I hurt for my babies and the people I love that became collateral damage in our stupid little war.
Civility is overrated. Sometimes I cannot even believe I knew the man I have divorced let alone slept with him, cooked his meals, cleaned his toilet. I hardly even recognize myself, though I know I am still in there when I look hard enough. The things that he says to me, emboldened by, even justified to it by the fact that I am the “bad guy” are astonishing, even after eight and a little years of marriage. He still knows all the buttons to push to optimize my guilt. Sometimes I hate him.
My ex-husband was deeply hurt. Hurt by my lack of desire, by my complete lack of interest in him or his life. I had been through neglect, disdain, and bitterly cruel, nonsensical rampages for years and yet, after all I could claim he had put me through I was honor-bound by the rules of engagement to be gentle with him. He was in pain. His life had been ruined. I was the perpetrator. Just as our marriage had been my responsibility, the collapse was my fault.
I am on the verge of losing my home. I lost my job, my family is too far away to help with anything more than love and encouragement, and I cannot remember the last time I had a good night’s sleep. My fear is still not as great as my loneliness, my sensation of dissonance to the real world, and feelings of worthlessness were. As terrible as the outcome looks in the face of economic crisis and personal crisis combined, life is still better now. Peace has been worth the cost.
This failure is simply another part of life I am coming to accept. I finally am beginning to understand my part in the travesty that was my marriage, the cruel joke that has been my life while I divorced and learned how to be a single mother, how to be truly alone again. Even though I loved you, and only wanted to be loved by you, I failed you. Miserably. I am sorry. Sorry that I decided my only way out was to destroy everything you insisted was fine. So very, very sorry that I did not know how to get through to you any other way. Sorry that I did not love you enough to be stronger, to take it until you decided I was worth kindness and love. I am sorry for causing three of the most perfect little humans I know an unspeakable amount of pain, and for doing so purposefully, even though I truly did not understand the scope of what was to come.
To any who have seen the world through the grey tint of the perpetrator, I see what you see in the eyes of your friends, family, and neighbors. I know the pity and sometimes contempt you are met with. I hope you have forgiven yourselves, whatever the reasons, and learned how to give of yourself after closing off from one who was your closest confident.
The truth of divorce is so personal that no one can truly prepare another for the distress they will feel. You cannot tell another exactly how to cope with the difficulty of such a complete upheaval of their life. I won’t lie and say I have come through the other side a better woman. All I can hope for is that someday I can say it and say it truthfully, earn my children's forgiveness, my own, and most of all, my husband’s. After all is said and done, I desire the forgiveness of the only man I ever loved enough to say, “I do”. Because for what it is worth. I really, really did.
Generosity
S.E. Rittel
Take me back, please.
Take me back.
Take me,
Take me,
Take…
The only time I was ever asked,
Instead of give,
And give,
And give
To take.
Take me back, please.
Take me back.
Take me,
Take me,
Take…
The only time I was ever asked,
Instead of give,
And give,
And give
To take.
Democracy
S.E. Rittel
The righteous in their regal robes
Of scarlet justice and right,
Tread heavy over all the world
Dispensing truth with might.
And all who see them quake in fear,
While mothers bravely hide their tears,
At such a great and horrible sight.
The righteous in their regal robes
Dispense their truth with heavy hand.
And woe to all who may dissent,
Their blood will flow across the land.
The righteous in their regal robes
Of scarlet justice and right,
Tread heavy over all the world
Dispensing truth with might.
And all who see them quake in fear,
While mothers bravely hide their tears,
At such a great and horrible sight.
The righteous in their regal robes
Dispense their truth with heavy hand.
And woe to all who may dissent,
Their blood will flow across the land.
How to Add Antioxidants to Your Diet
S.E. Rittel
Where to Find Antioxidants
Most people have heard the old adage, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Nutritionists and doctors agree, and Gala, Granny Smith, and Red Delicious apples all are numbered among the top 20 antioxidant rich foods suggested for a healthy diet, according to the International Food Information Council. Blueberries, cranberries, and raspberries all make the top 10, and surprisingly pinto beans, red kidney beans, and black beans are all considered an excellent source of antioxidants as well. Russet potatoes are very high in antioxidants, but only when raw. However, most fresh fruits and vegetables are consistently good sources of antioxidants, though will lose some of their nutritional value through cooking processes.
Anyone who loves fresh fruit or vegetables will have an easy time of incorporating antioxidant rich foods into their diet. While some fruits/vegetables have higher levels than others, the best way to get a richly varied source of antioxidants in your diet is to eat a diverse selection of fresh produce, fish, and whole grains in, at the very least, the USDA recommended quantities.
For example, carrots contain beta-carotene which neutralizes free radicals and bolsters cell defense. Corn, spinach, citrus, and even eggs contain lutein, which is thought to contribute to “the maintenance of healthy vision” (IFIC.org Mar. 2006). Tomatoes and tomato products contain lycopene, which contributes to healthy prostate. All of these antioxidants are listed as carotenoids.
The class of antioxidants known as flavonoids includes fruits and berries, and dark green vegetables, such as broccoli. Also included in this class are chocolate, cocoa, and tea. Flavonoids are attributed with bolstering cell defense, neutralizing free radicals, and maintaining heart and urinary tract health.
Supplemental nutrition such as Vitamins A, C, and E are found in dairy products and fish, citrus fruits, and nuts and cereals, respectively. Selenium, which is believed to be responsible for preventing cell damage due to free radicals, is found in Brazil nuts, meats, and tuna.
How to Get Your Daily Dose
To optimize antioxidants in a healthy diet, the USDA recommends at least 3 to 5 servings a day equaling one cup per serving of fresh vegetables, 2-4 one-half cup servings of fresh fruit, 2-3 one cup servings of low-fat dairy such as milk or yogurt, and 6-11 servings of whole grains and cereals, of which one serving would equal a slice of whole wheat bread, or one-half cup of brown rice or cereal. Those who eat meat should consume 2-3servings of about three ounces each, or one egg, one-half cup of tofu, or 1/3 cup of nuts is equivalent to one ounce of meat product.
The key to eating well and receiving the benefits of antioxidants is diversity in the meals consumed. Plenty of dark, leafy greens, beans, nuts, fruits, and dairy, combined with small portions of meat or an equivalent source of protein will provide the body with the antioxidants it deserves to combat the environmental effects and refined products that damage the body on the cellular level.
Where to Find Antioxidants
Most people have heard the old adage, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Nutritionists and doctors agree, and Gala, Granny Smith, and Red Delicious apples all are numbered among the top 20 antioxidant rich foods suggested for a healthy diet, according to the International Food Information Council. Blueberries, cranberries, and raspberries all make the top 10, and surprisingly pinto beans, red kidney beans, and black beans are all considered an excellent source of antioxidants as well. Russet potatoes are very high in antioxidants, but only when raw. However, most fresh fruits and vegetables are consistently good sources of antioxidants, though will lose some of their nutritional value through cooking processes.
Anyone who loves fresh fruit or vegetables will have an easy time of incorporating antioxidant rich foods into their diet. While some fruits/vegetables have higher levels than others, the best way to get a richly varied source of antioxidants in your diet is to eat a diverse selection of fresh produce, fish, and whole grains in, at the very least, the USDA recommended quantities.
For example, carrots contain beta-carotene which neutralizes free radicals and bolsters cell defense. Corn, spinach, citrus, and even eggs contain lutein, which is thought to contribute to “the maintenance of healthy vision” (IFIC.org Mar. 2006). Tomatoes and tomato products contain lycopene, which contributes to healthy prostate. All of these antioxidants are listed as carotenoids.
The class of antioxidants known as flavonoids includes fruits and berries, and dark green vegetables, such as broccoli. Also included in this class are chocolate, cocoa, and tea. Flavonoids are attributed with bolstering cell defense, neutralizing free radicals, and maintaining heart and urinary tract health.
Supplemental nutrition such as Vitamins A, C, and E are found in dairy products and fish, citrus fruits, and nuts and cereals, respectively. Selenium, which is believed to be responsible for preventing cell damage due to free radicals, is found in Brazil nuts, meats, and tuna.
How to Get Your Daily Dose
To optimize antioxidants in a healthy diet, the USDA recommends at least 3 to 5 servings a day equaling one cup per serving of fresh vegetables, 2-4 one-half cup servings of fresh fruit, 2-3 one cup servings of low-fat dairy such as milk or yogurt, and 6-11 servings of whole grains and cereals, of which one serving would equal a slice of whole wheat bread, or one-half cup of brown rice or cereal. Those who eat meat should consume 2-3servings of about three ounces each, or one egg, one-half cup of tofu, or 1/3 cup of nuts is equivalent to one ounce of meat product.
The key to eating well and receiving the benefits of antioxidants is diversity in the meals consumed. Plenty of dark, leafy greens, beans, nuts, fruits, and dairy, combined with small portions of meat or an equivalent source of protein will provide the body with the antioxidants it deserves to combat the environmental effects and refined products that damage the body on the cellular level.
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